


And you let him go

by starry_alien



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Break Up, Explicit Language, F/F, Gay Sex, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, I know I KNOW, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Multi, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, There is sex in this, because I can't write something without curses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 13:48:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8287909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starry_alien/pseuds/starry_alien
Summary: "Oh right, I'm Enjolras" the man says turning to face Grantaire, "you're welcome to join the meeting if you want, we're a-""A group of activists that is up for no good or so I've been told" Grantaire says with a smirk playing at his lips, Enjolras' eyes scan his face and maybe he finds the mockery because his eyebrows furrow.He is about to say something when Combeferre stands and places a hand on Enjolras' shoulder."Bahorel is probably not wrong, but it’s for the right reasons" Combeferre says with a light chuckle. -Their start is a collision, they fall apart in pieces that mend together then they break up but that's not their end.





	1. A meeting. A collision.

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a prompt I was given by a friend and I worked around it so yeah... this is only edited by me so any mistake you may find is my own, might have in mind that English is not my first language and I haven't written for this fandom in years but damn it feels good to be back.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

It's the first year of college when Enjolras, Combeferre and Courfeyrac gather a group of students that are not only interested to change the world but they also put hands into the matter. 

The first to join them after Enjolras spends two hours in the main yard of college is a ginger with the most outstanding outfit Enjolras had ever seen, the colorful layers brighten up the presence of this small person and even if their frame seems delicate the look on their eyes told him that Jehan is going to be very helpful in his crusade.

A month after Jehan, two boys decide to join the small group of activists. Joly and Bossuet are unique a couple, Joly knew Combeferre from his Anatomy class since he was studying medicine too (quite ironic for a hypochondriac but Enjolras is not to judge), and Bossuet was studying law. Enjolras remembers him from a class mostly because of his bright smile and joyful laughter, and of course, his bald head too.

To Enjolras meeting Feuilly is perhaps one of the most amazing things that have happened to him, Feuilly is the perfect example of a human being and Enjolras loves him. Well, everyone loves Feuilly, yet there were few people that have gained Enjolras respect that fast. Feuilly has two jobs apart from his Minor in Art and Major in Literature. 

And with Feuilly came Bahorel, their dynamic was something amazing to behold. Where Feuilly was mostly quiet and shy, Bahorel was loud and he could be a little bit frightening at first since he looks like he could break your neck with just a breath, a big contrast to his personality. Bahorel could switch from being freaking scary to a very sweet and kind person, it takes one look to the way his smile softens when he is with Feuilly to know that Bahorel is a big softy inside.

Marius is brought into the group by Courfeyrac, and sometimes he wants to murder him for that, just sometimes. Marius has many contradicting opinions on politics that make Enjolras want to punch him in the face, sometimes. But even if the kid can be irritating, Enjolras can see that he has the best intentions even if they are a bit naive at times, also Marius is a very intelligent man that has the enthusiasm to learn and correct himself and Enjolras likes that about him. 

Everything goes relative well, all in all, with the additions on the group after a few months the people gathering in the main yard to listen to their speeches are increasing. Enjolras is content informing people of the injustices of the world, he is sure that they can make change, in time.

-

They are gathered in their usual Café, after a meeting to arrange the topics for the next rally, they enjoy each others' company since they all have been busy with midterms.

"So I almost broke his nose but he was really chill about it, I took him for a beer after that, I tell you bro, you'd love the guy" Bahorel is loudly telling Feuilly catching almost everyone's attention.

"What's his name?" Feuilly asks not even surprised his boyfriend almost breaks someone's nose in his boxing class.

"Grantaire, but he told me to call him R" Bahorel says tracing an invisible line over the freckles on Feuilly's cheek, it's so intimate that Enjolras is tempted to look away but he is caught up in what Bahorel is saying.

"Good pun, I'll give him that" Feuilly says with a small smile appearing on his lips, "so you took this guy on a date?"

"A platonic date, I already love R, he is awesome" Bahorel says flicking Feuilly's nose making the ginger pat his hand away.

"You should invite him to our next meeting" Jehan says from his sit next to Feuilly, their eyes still fixed on the page where they’re writing what Enjolras would guess is more poetry.

"I did, he isn't really interested in politics but he agreed when I said I'd buy him a drink" Bahorel says grinning to Jehan that is still looking down to their page, a flower slipping down their braided hair. 

"Another drink? Should I prepare for a break up?" Feuilly jokes but his eyes are settling on Bahorel as the later laughs loudly throwing his head back.

"That isn’t happening bro, never" he says the last word with such intensity that Enjolras turns away from them and starts a conversation with Combeferre who was drawing an impressive replica of a moth on a napkin.

-

"I'm just going because I don’t want to be rude, the guy was being freaking nice to me, when does that ever happen? And besides free drinks, Ep" Grantaire says as he slides into a green hoodie.

Eponine looks at him from the place on her girlfriend's lap, Cosette's eyes are fix on him too and so are Musichetta's from the other side of the room.

"One drink" Eponine says and her voice is firm, up for no discussion.

"Two?" Grantaire asks because he never learnt to love himself.

"One" Musichetta says crossing her arms over her chest.

Grantaire lets out a surrendering sigh.

-

Two minutes inside the Musain and Grantaire already loves Feuilly. The moment he steps inside the worn building Grantaire listens Bahorel call his name and he is pulled in a table were two gingers, a brunette and a bald guy are sitting. Eponine, Cosette and Musichetta head to the bar leaving Grantaire be for the time being.

He told them he didn't need babysitters but they said they were interested in the activities of the group, he knew that was not entirely true but with a overly dramatic roll of his eyes, that might have cause a few minutes of pain, he let them follow him.

"Wait, we share most of my classes" Feuilly says the moment Grantaire sits next to Bahorel.

"You are the one who helped me pick up all those books in the library the other day!" Bossuet says and the others turn to him, "I told you guys, I bumped into a shelf and knocked it down"

"Twice" Grantaire says with a smirk pulling at his lips remembering Bossuet thanking him more than necessary and pulling him into a hug before heading out the library.

"I have a weird feeling I know you from somewhere else too" the other ginger with braided hair and a flower crown placed perfectly on top of their head says, "anyway, I'm Jean Prouvaire but everyone calls me Jehan, they/them pronouns please"

Grantaire smiles as he nods at them. "I'm Grantaire or R, mostly he/his pronouns, sometimes they/them but I'll let you know" he says and Jehan beams at him. 

-

Grantaire is hoping this wouldn't happen but then again he should have known better.

After a while chatting and having Combeferre and Courfeyrac introduce themselves, Bahorel brings him the promised drink. Grantaire makes sure to drink it slowly and not drown it on one gulp much to what his brain wants. He is too distracted repressing down his brain's instincts and absorbed in Combeferre's rambling about classic literature that he doesn’t notice the figure standing next to them but then they speak and Combeferre stops abruptly to look at them and so does Grantaire.

Grantaire blinks a few times whiling his eyes to stay open as he takes in the graceful beauty in front of him, he feels his soul shiver at the sight. My muse, Grantaire thinks as his hands itch to pick up a brush.

"Ferre is time to start the meeting" the voice says as his blue eyes pierced Combeferre who look at the watch on his wrist and nods. 

"You're right, I got caught up talking with R" Combeferre says turning to smile at him.

Enjolras turns to him with an interested look on his face.

"Oh right, I'm Enjolras" the man says turning to face Grantaire, "you're welcome to join the meeting if you want, we're a-"

"A group of activists that is up for no good or so I've been told" Grantaire says with a smirk playing at his lips, Enjolras' eyes scan his face and maybe he finds the mockery because his eyebrows furrow.

He is about to say something when Combeferre stands and places a hand on Enjolras' shoulder.

"Bahorel is probably not wrong, but it’s for the right reasons" Combeferre says with a light chuckle. 

"As they say, first you destroy then you create" Grantaire says.

"Who says that?" Enjolras asks, still an offended look on his face.

Grantaire turns to the bar and points at where Eponine is. "See that girl with black hair, the one kissing the blonde, she says that" Grantaire says turning to the pair in front of him, "she is a demon in disguise and my best friend, the three of them are"

"You should tell them to join us" Combeferre says with a smile as Enjolras just turns around and leaves to gather some papers on his own table. 

Grantaire nods and stands and joins his friends once Combeferre leaves to join Enjolras.

"Hey babe" Musichetta says as he circles his arm around her waist and buries his face on her shoulder, "what brings you to the devil's lair?"

"You're welcome to join the meeting, thought about letting you know since that's why you came here for" Grantaire says nuzzling her neck making her giggle. 

"Then lets go" Cosette says tangling her fingers in Grantaire's hair, he leans into her touch pulling away from Musichetta to hug her instead.

They join the group as Enjolras stars to talk about whatever his next cause might be. Grantaire zones out and lets that righteous voice bath him, Enjolras looks like an avenging angel came to earth to eradicate the injustice of humanity. 

That's when it starts.

The drink is long gone from his system and his body starts to itch, it's like a thousand ants crawl on his skin, he hates it. Mostly because when he is like this Eponine's laughter turns irritating, Cosette's reassuring touches turn annoying, Musichetta's voice is just exasperating. 

Oh but now the words coming out from Enjolras are too much and he can't control his snort. It's stupid really, what he is saying sounds so naive, borderline innocent. It's like he lives in another world or they don't share the same reality now that is probably true, one look at Enjolras and Grantaire can tell they haven't lived the same lives. 

"Excuse me, do you have anything to add?" Enjolras asks bringing Grantaire out of his little bubble of irritation.

"You can't honestly mean what you're saying, right?" Grantaire asks with a smirk, Enjolras raises an eyebrow at him.

"Care to elaborate?" he asks, challenging.

"Elaborate? Just look around, Apollo, humanity is disgusting as a whole, is our nature to be selfish creatures, do you honestly think you can make a change?" he asks with his eyes settle on Enjolras’, it's easy for Grantaire to break apart his entire speech in a matter of minutes. 

When he is done the room is silent but it’s charged with the anger irradiating from Enjolras, if his eyes are anything to go by. His hands are fists at his sides and his face is settle in a scowl, he looks like a predator about to jump into his pray. Grantaire would lie if he said that that look bothers him in a right yet not convenient way.

"Now that was impressive" Courfeyrac is the one to break the silence as he stands and swings an arm over Grantaire's shoulder.

"Do not encourage this type of behaviour, Courfeyrac" Enjolras says with danger in his voice then he turns his fierce eyes to him, "if you're not here to support then maybe you shouldn't bother with your presence"

Grantaire is about to retort when someone stands next him. 

"Oh please, maybe you shouldn’t even bother to do this" Eponine says in that tone that makes you consider if facing her is having a death wish, "my boy here just tore down that speech of yours that, did it take you hours to write? In just a blink of an eye he tore it down and that's all you have to say, for real? Are you even in a position to ask him to leave right now?"

Enjolras burns with fury as he turns to Eponine, Grantaire feels he should put himself between them but he knows better, Eponine can take care of herself perfectly fine and if anything Musichetta is already by her side.

"I-" Enjolras starts but the tension is suddenly broken by Bossuet's laughter since everyone is taken aback by it.

"Oh why I don't have popcorn! Two people standing up to Enjolras, this sure has never happened before" he says cleaning a tear from his eye.

"Certainly something none of us was expecting" Combeferre says adjusting his glasses, "is an interesting turns of events"

"Shut up" Enjolras says to Combeferre as he sits down with an angry pout and his arms crossed over his chest, he knows once Combeferre talks there is no going back to an argument.

-

The door slams shut as Enjolras makes his way into their apartment, Combeferre shakes his head as Courfeyrac chuckles.

"Might want to tone it down Enj" Courfeyrac says and promptly receives a shove by Combeferre on his ribs.

Enjolras turns around and screams, a long screech resembling a dinosaur comes out and then he just slumps in the couch with his face buried on a cushion, his muffle voices saying understandable things.

"C'mon Enjolras" Combeferre says pulling him into a sitting position, "what is all this fuss about?"

"About him!" Enjolras says irradiating frustration, "it took me hours of research and edition to make my words clear and my points straight and that asshole comes out of nowhere and just laughs at me and then completely destroys my hard work in front of my eyes with his overly pessimistic and overly dramatic and realistic facts! And I was blank, Combeferre! I couldn't bring words to my head out of shock! No one has ever stood up to me and left me blank like that in years!"

"Oh boy" Courfeyrac says taking Enjolras' face in, "you completely enjoyed it!"

"I didn't!"

"Calm down you two" Combeferre says and turns to Enjolras, "I think what happened is great for many reasons but first of all I think you should let this sink in, take what happened and use it to your benefit"

"I'll use every little point that the asshole said and I'll make my speech flawless, that's what I'm going to do" Enjolras stands up from the couch and practically runs into his room. 

Combeferre and Courfeyrac watch him leave and the look at each other with matching amused smiles on their faces.

"So Ferre, are you in for a make out session or nah?" Courfeyrac asks wiggling his eyebrows, Combeferre chuckles but pulls the front of his shirt until their lips meet.


	2. Communication.

Months go by and it settles as a routine. Enjolras would walk into The Musain with two goals, make a good fruitful meeting and confront Grantaire. 

He spends hours preparing his speeches, some would shut Grantaire up completely and some would be destroyed by cynicism in a matter of seconds. Enjolras both dreads and lives for those moments, to contrary belief (alright, only his belief cause pretty much everyone catches up on it) he enjoys those moments because Grantaire criticism helps him improve his points. 

Soon the small group of friends becomes a small family. They start to hang out outside meetings and their lives blend together easily, they become so close they always seem to be together or connected somehow.

-

"Apollo" Grantaire says as he sits in the sit next to Enjolras, he got early from his class and knowing that the golden leader was going to be at the Musain he let his feet carry him.

"Hey Grantaire" Enjolras says only spearing him a glance before he focus on his papers again.

Grantaire reaches out a hand and traces it in blonde curls with ease, the first time he did this was at Jehan's birthday and he was drunk rambling to a not-so-sober Enjolras how much he loved his hair and then his hand was tangled in the softness. A few days later, in which Grantaire couldn't get out of his apartment for his withdrawal symptoms, in one of those rare moments when its only the two of them, Enjolras asked Grantaire if he could braid his hair, after that Grantaire was allowed to casually touch it and he took much pleasure in doing so.

"Have you been over working yourself again?" Grantaire asks as he tame some curls behind Enjolras' ear.

"Hmm" Enjolras mumbles.

"Apollo" Grantaire reproaches trying to poke Enjolras' dark eye bags but having his hand patted away. 

"What?" Enjolras says grumpily turning to look at him.

"You have to take care of yourself" Grantaire scolds him but his soft voice makes Enjolras' eyes soften too.

"Says the one that was awake for five days to finish a painting" Enjolras leans into the hand playing with the curls at the side of his head and sighs tiredly.

"That was a life and death matter because my art is shit, you are passing all your classes with flying colors" Grantaire says pulling his hand away with a sigh, he is still recovering the hours of sleep of that terrible week.

"Your art is amazing, Grantaire" Enjolras firmly affirms, his hand lifts Grantaire’s chin to see into his eyes. 

"You say that because you're my friend or something like that" Grantaire says with a cringe, from all the group Enjolras is the one he spends less time with, but somehow they're close. Maybe it’s all the screaming they regularly do and the shy apologies and intimates conversations they share afterwards.   
Enjolras sighs and lets his hand drop. 

"I know I don't really understand art but I know you put a lot of effort into it, Jehan says art is not good or bad and that it doesn't need to be enough to be 'art', regardless of the opinion of whoever that gives themselves the right to judge it, it still is art... I like your art, R" Enjolras says gently, "I know you think I say this because it's my duty as a friend, but there is something in your style that catches my attention and makes me really pay attention to what you're showing, I mean, I haven't seen much of your paintings but-"

"Alright stop, stop" Grantaire blushes lightly and a smile plays at his lips, "I know what you mean and thank you, it means a lot to me... your words mean a lot to me and not just this flattering but in general, whether I agree or not with what you say, I believe in your words and your intentions, I believe in you"

"Grantaire" Enjolras mumbles softly, "thank you"

-

At some point in their interactions Enjolras stops calling Grantaire “the asshole” on his head, he thinks “the intelligent asshole that I’m terribly crushing on” is more suitable but then again is too long so he just uses his name.

He knows they started their relationship with the wrong foot but somehow they ended up in steady steps, he is happy to call Grantaire his friend but sometimes he wants to believe that maybe Grantaire likes him back, he also wants to believe it is impossible so he doesn’t pines for something he can't have. The dilemma is that between classes and the activities of Les Amis he doesn’t have much time to have a personal life, so no matter how much he wants things to happen he also doesn’t.

Spending time with Grantaire doesn’t help at all, because after Enjolras allowed him to touch his hair Grantaire seems to do it all the time whenever they’re alone. They still argue and scream at each other but then those long and stain fingers would tangle in his curls and he would melt into a puddle for the artist. But Enjolras also notices that Grantaire is an affectionate person, he seems to share platonic kisses with most of their friends, even the ones that are a couple, or he happens to always be cuddling with someone. That makes it hard for Enjolras to realize if the touches they share mean something more or not, he already had a hard time realizing his own feelings let alone Grantaire’s.

-

"You're so wrong it physically hurts me to listen to the bullshit you are saying" Enjolras grits out as he pinches the tip of his nose, he takes a long breath to repress the screams.

"Is bullshit or does it pain you because you know I'm right even if you won't admit it?" Grantaire's smirk is borderline sardonic and yet still attractive, Enjolras wants to punch it out of his face.

"For once no, it's not that" Enjolras breathes out, "I take your critics with open arms but this is just your useless pessimism, therefore not helpful at all"

Grantaire rolls his eyes dramatically and brings the cup of coffee to his lips. 

"Makes me wonder why you are so pessimistic today" Enjolras says eyeing Grantaire carefully, there are dark circles under his eyes and he looks rather exhausted. 

"Life molded me into this, Apollo" Grantaire says standing from his sit and picking up his bag.

"Well, ignoring your cynicism and lack of faith on humanity, life made a pretty good job with you" Enjolras says making Grantaire snort, "I'm being honest, you're intelligent, talented, kind, gentle, loyal, I can keep listing"

"Please stop the flattering" Grantaire says looking away to hide his blushing face, "someone might think you actually like me"

There is a moment of silence in which Grantaire expects Enjolras to burst out laughing and denying what he just said but he turns around and Enjolras' face is a shade of pink that matches his own, and he is worrying his lip between his teeth. 

"I... I don't dislike you" Enjolras says promptly.

"Oh" Grantaire says slightly confused, no scratch that, he is entirely confused about what that could mean. 

They stand there looking at each other for a minute until Grantaire's phone starts to ring making both of them jump, he curses as he almost drops his cup of coffee.

"Oh hey pumpkin, I'm on my way, yeah I'll meet you there" Grantaire tells to the phone and then hangs up. "I have to meet Feuilly, we're supposed to go out with Bahorel or something... If I didn’t know better I'd think they want to bring me into a poly relationship" Grantaire jokes and Enjolras smiles at the face he pulls. 

"I'll see you around, R" Enjolras says softly trying to calm his heart from beating like a rabbit's.

"See you, Enj" Grantaire says turning around to leave.

-

Grantaire is starting to think that he caught Bossuet's bad luck when one of 'those' days turns into a week. 

As soon as he wakes up he drops his favorite cup, the one that Jehan gave to him, filled with coffee, and it shatters in a thousand pieces. He fucks up the painting he has been working on so much there's no way he can save it. He has been itching to have a drink but he knows that the girls would kill him if they find out so he gives up on the painting and leaves to the Musain.

Of course Courfeyrac, Combeferre, Joly, Bossuet and Enjolras are already there, so he puts a forced smile into his face and heads to their table. Slowly the other Amis start to appear and catch him in conversation, Grantaire grips his cup of coffee tighter and wills the need for a drink away as Joly and Bossuet ramble about Musichetta's beauty. 

The thing is he knew he would snap at some point, whether it was obvious he guessed it would be okay to just listen to Enjolras and not comment at all, again he should have known better. He does know that the bullshit he is saying as he interrupts Enjolras is just the piled up frustration of the week but he lets it out like venom from his fangs. He gets the predictable reaction from Enjolras, but this time the words come hard and sharp like the stab of a knife into his chest. 

"Why the fuck are you here then? If all you have to say is crap then you might as well leave" Enjolras screams, "just leave, now!"

He goes to Grantaire and pushes him towards the door of the café.

"Don't fucking touch me!" Grantaire retorts trying to shove Enjolras back.

"Please calm down you too" Jehan says as they try to get in between the two only receiving a shove from them.

At that point Bahorel stands and pulls them apart with an easy grip in the back of their shirts.

"Enjolras" Combeferre protests when he tries to get free from Bahorel, "stop acting like a child"

"It's okay" Grantaire says as he easily gets free, "you don't have to worry, I'll be on my way and don't worry Apollo, you won't be seeing me pestering your precious meetings with my presence again"

Just like that he leaves not giving anyone the chance to stop him.

"Fucking perfect!" Enjolras screams at his back before he gets out the door.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Bahorel says finally letting go of the blonde and running to the door behind Feuilly.

A creeping silence falls.

"Enj" Courfeyrac says as he notices him trembling but the leader only shakes his head looking at his feet.

Enjolras feels a tap on his shoulder and he turns only to have his face slapped so hard he stumbles back and almost falls on his butt.

"You're a fucking idiot, you know? You're in no position to ask our friend to leave, even if he's being a pain in the ass, you have no right" Jehan says and there’s something dangerous on their eyes, "don't you ever try something like that again Enjolras, you're lucky Eponine and Musichetta aren't here today but for me... I don't like violence but you can't do that to him, your actions anger and disappoint me"

Joly and Bossuet are still silent sitting at the table taking it all in, there is no trace of their usual cheerful smiles on their faces.

"I'm heading home" Enjolras mumbles and tries to leave but Combeferre catches his arm.

"No, you need to apologize and talk about this with him"

"I can't right now Ferre, I don't even know where he is and I... I need to sleep this off"

"Do I need to repeat myself?" Combeferre’s stare is intense and leaves no room to argue.

Enjolras takes a long breath and sighs.

"Fine" he heads for the door, outside the fresh air hits his face and he feels like he can breathe properly for a moment.

"What was that about?" Feuilly asks making him jump, the ginger is leaning against the brick wall with a cigarette hanging from his fingers.

"I-I don't know, it's just that..." Enjolras sighs and runs a hand through his hair, "I like him so much Feuilly, it angers me when he is being like that and I know I shouldn't have done that but-"

He lets a frustrated sound come out of his throat as he grabs a fistful of his hair and pulls slightly.

"Bahorel took him home, he wanted to go to the Corinth but we talked him out of that" Feuilly says after a long silence, like he was thinking if it is a good idea letting him know where Grantaire is, "I'm not one to tell what to do but you should apologize because he was pretty shaken up, maybe you should tell him what you just told me"

-

The knocks on the door don't stop after a few minutes of ignoring them so Eponine gets up from her place on the couch and heads to open it. She is tented to slam it closed the moment she sees the blonde standing there, she crosses her arms over her chest and lifts his chin defiantly.

"I need to talk with him, please" Enjolras pleads

"You did enough talking" she says, her tone dry and sharp.

"I want to apologize and... please Eponine" 

"Give me a good reason to let you into my home after you made my boy cry"

"Is he crying? I never meant- fuck I'm an idiot" Enjolras mumbles hanging his head, "I like him Ep, I need to tell him that I didn’t mean what I said"

He can hear Eponine sigh and then chuckle slightly.

"It’s the goddamn time" she says and steps back to let him in.

When Enjolras walks into the living room Grantaire is on Musichetta’s lap, his face buried on her neck as Cosette rubs his back in a soothing motion. Both girls send him a murdering glare.

"Grantaire" he says and the artist tenses at the sound of his voice, he pulls away from Musichetta's neck reluctantly and looks up.

"If you came to say you’re sorry, I was being an asshole and I deserved it" 

Enjolras takes him in, his red rimmed eyes, the tear stains in his cheeks, the dark bags under his eyes. Grantaire looks exhausted and Enjolras wonders how he didn't notice before, Grantaire is particularly bitchy when he interrupts him only when he’s in a bad mood. He regrets his words, he regrets not paying attention before screaming back, he regrets causing this.

"I'm sorry, R" Enjolras mumbles looking at his own feet and maybe it’s his imagination but his eyes are wet, but why would he be crying? He has no right to cry when Grantaire feels like this, like he deserves the things he said. "I'm so sorry, I really am" 

He feels a pair of arms surround him, his vision is clouded with black curls, the room is empty apart from the two of them.

"Please don't cry, it breaks my heart more than the things you said back at the Musain, don't cry" Grantaire mumbles so softly as Enjolras' arms circle around him.

"I don't want to break your heart, I like you R, I care for you so much I don't want you to be sad, I don't want to make you sad"

"Enjolras" Grantaire lets out a surrendering sigh, "you can't say things like that, it hurts"

The blonde pulls away to look into the artist's face with worry.

"I don't want to ruin our friendship or make things awkward between us, I just want you to know, I- I'm sorry"

"What are you talking about?" Grantaire says and it dawns on him, "oh wait... you mean... you like me for real? Like-like in a romantic way?"

Enjolras nods as Grantaire looks at him stunned.

"And here I thought this week was the worst ever" Grantaire mumbles and then laughs, "I like you too Enj, in a very romantic way... for months now"

“Months? Why didn’t you tell me?” Enjolras asks shocked, he wants to cry and laugh all at the same time.

“I didn’t think that you’d feel… that you’d like me” Grantaire says tightening his arms around the blonde, Enjolras chuckles but his eyes are still wet as he leans their foreheads together.

“Of course I like you… I like you so much” Enjolras mumbles as the tips of their noses brush, “so much”

“I really want to kiss you” Grantaire says so softly it could have been a breath but Enjolras is so close to him that he can understand it perfectly and he smiles as he starts to lean in.

Their lips meet and kissing certainly is a mean of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other, because in that moment Enjolras and Grantaire have never been more equal. Their minds might be different but their souls are the same, pining for each other, and they relent in the need as their lips slot together again and again and their breaths are one and their tongues collide in an endless dance.


	3. Honeymoon phase.

Enjolras finds out that being in a relationship with Grantaire is a free fall without a parachute. It is as thrilling as it is terrifying, mostly because he enjoys finding all this new things about Grantaire, like the look on his face when he sleeps or how his voice sounds when he just wakes up or how his skin feels against his hands. He falls for it all too fast and yet it seems like a never ending fall as he keeps finding new things to love, like the way Grantaire laughter feels against his lips when they kiss or the goose bumps that raise on his skin when Enjolras finds a sensible area. It’s amazing and it’s scary because Enjolras always believed in freedom and individuality but now he finds himself wanting Grantaire all for his own. Courfeyrac teases him saying Enjolras is too clingy, not that Grantaire really minds because he is as dependable of Enjolras’ attention as he is of Grantaire’s, but somewhere it bugs Enjolras because there are times when he should be concentrating on his essays or the next rally yet he finds himself completely distracted by Grantaire, either him in person or his mind wondering of his whereabouts and doings.

The first months of their relationship are what the Amis like to call their “Honeymoon Phase”, much to their overly teasing comments about how cute they are together when Enjolras lets his hands wonder on Grantaire’s body like gripping at his waist to hold him close or when they sneak little pecks here and there in the Musain. But not every day is a love parade, they still argue and discern on most of their beliefs but their words are more measured and the damage never last long. Enjolras is more patient with Grantaire when all he does is throw up his cynic remarks mostly because he knows beforehand if his boyfriend is having a bad day.

And to Grantaire’s benefit, he tries his best to be more helpful with his critics and be mannered about it during the meetings. He leaves the teasing to the privacy of either of their bedrooms where Enjolras’ passion for his cause turns into carnal ways to shut him up, Grantaire usually ends up wrecked and covered in bruises made by Enjolras’ lips.

-

Enjolras feels a hand pressing on the back his neck and a strong smell of coffee fills up his nostrils. He looks up from his computer where he has been typing in an endless rhythm and is faced by Grantaire's soft smile, the brunet leans down a press a soft kiss to Enjolras' lips before he leaves the cup next to his hand and retreats to his side of the table where his sketchbook is resting surrounded by an unnecessary amount of pencils.

Enjolras remembers the first time they decided to work together so they wouldn't get distracted thinking where the other would be. It worked pretty well, they only argued about Enjolras' habit of taking over the entire table’s space with his papers and books. Not that Grantaire wouldn't do it too but to Enjolras' surprise it’s in a more tidy manner, once Enjolras asked Grantaire if he really needed the impressive amount of pencils, pens, and markers, as an answer Grantaire just shrugged and said that it’s more an obsession than a necessity but he also is an artist so there's that.

Enjolras does notice the domesticity of the routine they created, more often than not Grantaire would stay the night to the point he actually leaves clothes in Enjolras' room, and in the lazy morning when they can't stress about the work they need to do and decide to dwell on each other, Enjolras loves to circle his arms around his boyfriend's waist as he prepares breakfast. Courfeyrac's rambles about being late and cursing Combeferre for being too much of a temptation would come and go like a quick storm as the man grabs some granola bars and drowns a cup of coffee in a blink of an eye before he leaves, Grantaire never pays much attention to him as Enjolras' lips press in the skin behind his ear and his hands creeps up under his shirt to rest spread in his stomach.

"Thanks" Enjolras mumbles softly still staring at Grantaire as he settles and takes a sip of his cup with a small smile playing at his lips.

"You're welcome, mon ange" Grantaire returns with fondness as he locks eyes with Enjolras.

It's something they do often, stare at each other that is. One would think Grantaire is the one with his eyes lock in the golden leader's figure all the time but more often than not is Enjolras the one who can't pull his eyes from Grantaire. Looking at the artist is constantly falling but Enjolras' never felt more grounded in his entire life.

"We should move in together" he can hear himself said like a distant thought.

Grantaire looks taken aback but a happy smile spreads on his face.

"What?" he asks just wanting to hear it again.

Enjolras stands and makes all the way to sit in Grantaire's lap slowly.

"I said I want to be with you every time I wake up and when I go to bed, that I want you to cook breakfast as I showered you in kisses in thanks because I can't even make a toast without burning it, I want us to fall into all this little routines and be domestic together and... I said we should move in together" Enjolras says as he rests his arms on Grantaire's shoulders and looks into those green eyes with all the love his can muster in a stare.

"I love you" Grantaire answers and cups Enjolras' face with his hands to press their foreheads together.

Enjolras closes his eyes and smiles letting those three words bath him and the feelings set free running through his body like electricity.

"Say it again"

"I love you, mon ange, I love you" Grantaire repeats again and again softly.

It's not like he didn't know because through the eleven months of their relationship gestures spoke louder than words, but there is something exhilarating and completely overwhelming hearing Grantaire say those three words.

"I love you, mon coeur, I love you too" Enjolras says back before he press his lips to Grantaire's in a needy kiss, he arches his body to be pressed fully against his lover as his arms hug his neck.

Grantaire moans as he hugs Enjolras tightly and kisses back as hungrily. He needs Enjolras now, needs to make sure their confessions are more than words and that the meaning is hidden in their bodies as they hold each other.

"Bedroom" Enjolras mumbles against his lips, his legs circle around Grantaire who smiles as he lifts Enjolras and himself from the chair without much trouble and carries him to their bedroom without breaking the kiss.

It's slow as it always is when they take their time to praise each other, by now Grantaire knows how to wreck Enjolras only using his hands and he takes advantage of that. As soon as they reach the bed they get rid of their clothes, Grantaire lays Enjolras down on the bed and takes his time to look at his boyfriend.

"Again" Enjolras pleads softly, his golden curls are splashed over the pillow, his cheeks are flushed red, his lips raw from kissing, and Grantaire takes it in as a shiver runs south his body.

"I love you, Enjolras" he says as he hovers over his lover, his hands move up from the blonde's hips to his chest caressing the skin with so much care it sends shivers down Enjolras' spine. "I love you, I love you, and I love you" Grantaire says low as a secret leaning to kiss over his heart.

“I need you, mon amour” Enjolras pleads softly raising a hand to caress Grantaire’s cheek.

Grantaire nods and turns his face to press a kiss to Enjolras’ palm before he pulls away to grab the lube and condom from the bedside table. He prepares Enjolras as he always does, a slow veneration to his golden Apollo. His lips trace a path of kisses up his inner thighs as his fingers slide inside his lover with tender care. Enjolras tenses just slightly but relaxes noticeably when Grantaire’s lips reach the base of his throbbing cock, his gasps and moans fill the room and like a prayer he pleads for those hands to harry up. 

Grantaire presses his smile to Enjolras’ tummy as he curls his fingers inside him making him arch in the bed, a waterfall of curses come out of his mouth and he takes every single one in and thrusts his fingers deeper to coax more. 

“Please ‘Taire, fuck, I need you” Enjolras pleads gripping the shit so tightly his knuckles are white.

Grantaire smirk is devilish but obeys the pleas and pulls his hand away to roll the condom on his erection. He lines himself to Enjolras’ entrance and presses in as carefully as he started, he has to repress a moan because Enjolras is tight and heavenly. He leans his body over his lover’s and presses his forehead to Enjolras’ collarbones, soon the hands gripping the sheets come to pull at his hair ever so slightly and then slide down his back leaving trails of red. 

“R… so good” Enjolras mumbles into his dark curls once Grantaire is all the way in, he takes a few deep breathes as he adjust to the burning feeling, his lips pull up in a smile as he feels Grantaire peppering kisses on his chest.

Grantaire looks up and their eyes meet, there’s equal fondness in the blue and green eyes, they smile before their lips meet in a slow kiss. Grantaire feels Enjolras relax so he takes the opportunity to pull his hips back and thrust in, Enjolras’ mouth opens in a gasps and Grantaire lets out a small groan as he repeats the action and Enjolras’ nails dig in his shoulder blades. 

They pick up a rhythm that has both of them moaning into each others’ mouths as their kisses turn messy and their lips collide more times than their lips do. Enjolras’ hand turn between holding Grantaire’s curls in a tight grip and sliding up and down his back, his legs circle his lovers waist to hold him in place and in case pull him closer for him to bury deeper into his body. 

When Enjolras throws his head back releasing a guttural groan that would leave a kraken to shame Grantaire buries his face in the new exposed skin and marks it leaving dark bruises that make Enjolras hiss as his teeth bite the sensitive skin.

“So close” Grantaire mumbles pulling back to see the art his mouth created in the pale skin.

“I-fuck, I want you to come inside me” Enjolras says making Grantaire groan.

“Fuck yes, mon ange, fuck yes” he says pulling all the way out to pull the condom off his erection and then buries himself inside Enjolras, his eyes roll back at the welcoming heat, Enjolras’ mouth forms a perfect “o”.

“I’m so close, R” Enjolras moans, “and that feels- of fuck it’s fucking amazing”

It doesn’t last long, it’s a few thrusts in which their lips are glued together and their bodies move in perfect synch, then the explosion of both their climax that leave Enjolras limbless on the mattress and Grantaire draped over him in no better condition.

Slowly they come back with shaking and tender hands that caress the other’s body to let them now they’re there, Grantaire leaves a trail of soft kisses over Enjolras’ collarbones that are showered in bruises before he pulls out slowly. He leaves Enjolras on the bed as he searches for something to clean themselves, he cleans his boyfriend with a discarded shirt and then toss it away to join the blonde in the bed.

“I love you, R” Enjolras mumbles softly once they’re in comfortable position, his hands caressing the wild dark curls.

“I love you too, Enj” Grantaire repeats.

The words with the meaning hidden in their bodies now exposed for the other to see. They mean it and they know it.  
“We are definitely moving together” Grantaire says and closes his eyes content when Enjolras chuckles.


	4. An end.

Grantaire knows that things are too good to be his life. His relationship with Enjolras is more than stable, even when they have their rough days they come together stronger in the end.

He can't help but think this is the way life decided to come and bite him in the ass because of course it would come to throw his entire stability away while disguised as a good thing. Or maybe it is his destiny to overthrown the reign of bad luck made by Bossuet and rise up his own kingdom, with that email printed in a flag to mark the day it all blew up to hell.

That's the thing, Grantaire has been staring at that email from his professor for about half an over hour and his mind has gone from complete joy to the pit of doom in a matter of seconds. It's not bad per se, he wouldn't have ever guessed he would win when he applied for the student grant(under the threats of Eponine), he had never in his life won anything and yet life decided to mock reward him with a free art course in Italy just three weeks later after he moved into Enjolras' apartment. If he could react right now he would be in hysterics but he can’t so he just stares at the screen in utter shock.

-

Enjolras is aware that maybe he should say something but the matter concern Grantaire not him, then again they are a couple so maybe it’s his business too. He isn't quite sure so he decides to just wait for now, even if he can’t stop over thinking.

He should have guessed that using his boyfriend's computer would lead to some kind of trouble, not that he doubts Grantaire but the man never logs off of anything and Enjolras needs to check an email that Jehan was supposed to send him. His computer is dead because he forgot to charge it after he stayed until late of hours of the night and ended up falling asleep on it, but Grantaire's is right there and he thinks it wouldn't matter anyway. He opens the tab and there is Grantaire's account opened for anyone to see, of course his eyes settle on the big "CONGRATULATIONS" on the list of mails.

Enjolras' never liked to pry into other people's business but this is his boyfriend and he is being congratulated in capital letters so against all his morals he clicks the link that instantly redirects him into the email. It doesn't say much that Enjolras doesn't know already, the first part mostly thanks Grantaire for being a participant in the project and compliments him in his amazing paintings but as he keeps reading the second part Enjolras feels numb, it informs Grantaire that he is now owner of a student grant to study a Fine Arts course for a whole year on Italy.

Enjolras feels proud of Grantaire because winning something like this surely isn't easy, but as much as he feels happy he knows that this would cause mayhem in the artist's mind.  
They moved together three weeks ago and they had found some sort of stable ground, there were no fights or heated arguments anymore since both had molded into each other's shapes knowing what would made the other snap so they avoid it. Enjolras noticed that Grantaire's moods have been lighter and happy instead of grim as they used to be, he likes to thinks it’s because of the stability they achieved.

But now this is sure to break all that down. Grantaire will have to choose between this opportunity that probably will do wonders for his career or their relationship. It's not fair, Enjolras thinks, but of course life would play this trick on them. And Enjolras knows how much Grantaire loves art and how important it is to him but there is a part of him that wants hia boyfriend to stay. He can't be selfish and ask that of Grantaire because he knows the artist wouldn't think about it twice.

In his head Enjolras has two options, wait for Grantaire to make the decision or make it himself.

-

Grantaire jumps when the door to the apartment slams closed and he is harshly shaken from his thoughts. There is no time for daydreaming once the blonde makes his way into the livingroom and flops down on the other side of couch. It's not like Enjolras to leave all that distance between them, instantly Grantaire sees that he needs comfort but as he makes to move closer Enjolras face comes out from hiding against his palms and looks up at him.

"We need to break up" he says abruptly and Grantaire feels like he has been punched in the face.

"Wha-"

"No, listen. I really like what we have here, this domestic thing we created is good but it distracts me a lot from my cause, and as much as I like this, I also need to concentrate in what matters to me the most" Enjolras says looking at Grantaire with dead serious eyes, "my career and my cause are my future, I can't play house with you and keep up with this, so we need to break up, I need to break up with you"

Grantaire just stares at him, he thinks is funny how he can't even bring tears to his eyes, and with funny he means completely devastating. He rises from the couch without a word and heads to their bedroom in a slow walk. He picks all the clothes he can fit in his bag and his sketchbook along with his computer without saying a word, not because he doesn't want to say anything but because he feels a void crack in his chest and absorb every emotion and feeling, leaving him completely numb and empty.

This was inevitable, maybe by some miracle the last year of his life had happened and now life was coming to its axis again. Feeling it all crumble down around him is a common feeling that he quite forgot, but even in the numbness it's comforting to know how to deal with this by now.

He looks at Enjolras before he heads to the front door, the blonde looks quite guilty but the resolution in his eyes is what makes Grantaire desist of any argument.

"I thought..." Grantaire sighs, "never mind... I'll come back for the rest of my things or I'll have someone come for me since we don't want you to get distracted now, do we?"

The bitterness of the last part is clear and cutting but he doesn't stay to see if Enjolras' will face him, he just leaves.

-

"Hey, look who's back at the devils' liar" Musichetta says playfully as she opens the door but the smile falls from her face when she sees Grantaire.

"Baby what's wrong?" she asks circling her arm around him, Grantaire instantly hides his face on her neck.

"He broke up with me" his voice breaks in the middle on the sentence and the crack extends into the core of his chest, suddenly all the emotions overflow him as he starts to cry desperately holding to her.

Musichetta tries to pull him inside as best as she can make him drop the bag and leading him into the livingroom. She lets him cry and soothes him holding him firmly.

"Let it out baby, I'm here" she says caressing his hair as Grantaire sobs violently against her neck, it feels like hours until he somehow collects himself and pulls away reluctantly.

"I'm sorry" he mumbles feeling so small and miserable.

"Don't be, my baby boy, I'm here for you and will always be" she says cleaning the tear strains on his checks, "want to talk about it or just go cuddle and forget life for as long we can get away with it?"

"Cuddles sound great right now" he mumbles softly and she nods getting up from the couch offering him her hand.

"Then let’s go, there is a comfy bed waiting for us"

-

"Can you explain why Eponine called me and threaten me if we don't let her into our apartment she will kill us?" Courfeyrac asks walking into Enjolras' room without knocking, "or why on earth is she on her way to pick up Grantaire's stuff?"

Enjolras takes a deep breath and puts his book down, it's not like he was able to concentrate on it anyway.

"We broke up... I broke up with him" he says trying to sound light and reasonable, like it makes sense but for the look on Courfeyrac's face it seems like he has just insulted his mother or worse, Combeferre.

"Is this a joke? It's not funny, Enjolras" he says with a look of complete disgust on his face.

Enjolras knows the feeling.

"No, it's not a joke and I'll kindly ask you to mind your own business" he says looking at Courfeyrac in the eyes, "this is my decision and I have my reasons"

"Oh the Lord may save us all, what on earth could those reasons be? Because all I can think right now is that you've gone mental" Courfeyrac raises his voice making Enjolras cringe.

"I don't need to explain myself" Enjolras tries to keep his cool.

"Don't you now? You know what, wait until Combeferre gets home and we'll see about that" Courfeyrac says turning around and typing something on his phone, "and by the way Eponine is at the door and since this is NOT my business as you say, go and get the door"

Enjolras feels a shiver run down his back, to say he is completely terrified for his well being is an understandment. He walks to the door reluctantly and it may be his imagination but when he opens it Eponine seems to be surrounded by some sort of darkness, the expression on her face is so neutral that it makes her a lot more scarier than anger could have, this means she is in complete control of herself and that only makes her the hell of a threat.

"Where is his stuff?" she asks in a cold tone, he points to the livingroom where he gathered Grantaire's things.

Eponine stares at him for a moment and then walks past him, for a second he thinks she is going to punch him but she just ignores him as she takes the stuff to her car. It's when she has the last remaining box in her arms that she turns to Enjolras and speaks.

"I promised him that I wouldn’t hurt you, believe me I would kill you if I could" she says and her tone makes Enjolras believe her, "but if I do that I would hurt him more, he loves you so much"

Enjolras wants to say that he loves him too but he can't, he has to keep up what he started because this is for a higher cause.

"I don't know why you are doing this, to be honest I don't want to know, but it's not fair for him" she says looking at him like she is trying to read him, "or you"

With that she leaves not waiting for an answer, it's not like he could have given her any anyway. He stands there speechless for a few seconds before he heads to his room and barricades the door with his desk. He doesn't want to explain, he needs to believe what he is doing is worthy, that he can endure it, that it's the best for Grantaire. But no one can tell him that because no one knows, he has to tell it to himself and hold into it. He has to, it's what he decided, and there is no going back now.

He tries to sleep but the absence next to him makes him restless, he can’t look around the room because it's filled with voids where Grantaire's belongings used to be. He feels himself crumbling down so he does what he's the best at, he closes off any emotion and starts to work until he collapses on top of his computer.


	5. Farewell.

"What the hell are you doing?" Eponine asks from the door of his bedroom, her hands rest on her hips in that menacing way she always does, Cosette stands next to her with a fond look that reminds Grantaire of his mother.

"Packing" he says turning to look at his suitcase, his eyebrows furrow at the disaster of clothes he tried to fit on it.

"That is not packing, that's throwing everything you own in there and hoping it'll close when you finish" Eponine says walking up to the bed and flipping it over, she starts to fold his clothes muttering under her breath.

"You don't need to do that" Grantaire protests and sighs when Cosette joins her girlfriend, "girls..."

"We want to help" Cosette says calmly, "you leave tomorrow"

"I hope you packed your art supplies better than you did with this" Eponine says as she throws a hoodie at him, "now help us clear this mess"

Grantaire nods and starts to fold his clothes as best as he can, Eponine tells him that he is doing it wrong and Cosette teaches him how to do it properly with the patience of a saint.

"So... Jehan said that after today's meeting they want to go for drinks in some kind of farewell in your honor" Cosette comments casually, her eyes trained in Grantaire's shirt between her hands.

"Yeah, he texted me earlier" he sighs but looks up from the jeans he is folding, "I'll go, it's only fair for them... after the, um, the break up... I haven't spent much time with them"

"You were getting ready for this tho, it's understandable" Cosette says and places her hand on his arm, "we understand"

"I" Eponine says to catch their attention, her eyes centre on Grantaire's, "I understand this isn't you running away, I understand this is you taking your career seriously"

Grantaire swallows and nods.

"It's... I know it's weird, it looks suspicious but I swear to you that it’s just a coincidence" Grantaire says with what he hopes is a determined look on his face, it seems to be enough for Eponine to look away and keep going with her task.

"I know you'll do great in this course" Cosette says cheerfully, "I have no doubt"

"Thanks but you're far too kind" Grantaire smiles at his blond friend.

"Not at all, you'll see"

-

"I'll miss you terribly" Jehan says as their arms circle Grantaire tightly, "but I'm happy for you, Italy is beautiful and I think you'll like it"

"Have you been to Italy before Jehan?" Grantaire asks pressing his lips softly against their ginger hair, his eyes wonder of the constellation of freckles on Jehan's face and wishes he could kiss each of them.

"Twice but only for short terms" Jehan says looking up to Grantaire, in the time they've known each other they've grown pretty close, so much Montparnasse has confronted them about it once because Jehan made sure their lover knew they didn’t share more than platonic feelings.

"I'm really going to miss you too" Grantaire mumbles softly and then looks around the room where his friends are all scattered around, "all of you"

"We'll always be here for you, text or call whenever you feel like it, yeah? Don't let distance fool you, we love you and we care about you" they says placing their hand on Grantaire's cheek, "now go join the party, Feuilly and Bahorel are going to kill me if I keep you all to myself"

"They wouldn't" Grantaire says but he detangles himself from Jehan and heads to another table.

Musichetta, who is on Bossuet's lap and holding Joly's hand calls his name and he heads over their way.

"You know I'm proud of you, don't ya?" she says with a cheerful smile on her face, "we all are"

"I didn't even want to participate of this stupid project, I did it because Ep threaten she would burn my Radiohead CD’s" he says with a shrug.

"That stupid project got you a grant and a trip to Italy" Bossuet says with a smile, "some luck you got there"

"He knows about that subject" Joly says with a smile, "but we're happy for you, we know how much you love art"

"Yeah... but I don't know how I'll survive there all by myself" he mumbles looking at the half empty glass on his hand, only allowed to be there by Musichetta.

"You'll survive and in a year time you'll come back and we'll still be here" she says and stands to hug him tightly, "you'll see"

"Everyone seems to say that now" Grantaire says but pulls her closer and buries his face on her neck.

-

After he dances around with his friends Grantaire sneaks a cigarette from Feuilly and heads outside on his own. The fresh air that hits him the moment he steps into the night is very welcome by Grantaire's overheated skin, he digs on his pocket and takes out the lighter and lights the cig, the first inhale brings that numb feeling that makes his head feel light and dizzy, it's been a while since his last cig, the smoke comes out his nostril in a pleasing motion.

He looks up to the dark sky after another drag, the thousand little sparks shinning make him smile but he's abruptly awaken from his calm bubble by a familiar voice.

"Hey"

Grantaire jumps slightly and his heart beats madly on his ribcage, he turns to see Enjolras standing not far away from him.

"Oh... hey" Grantaire mumbles and turns to face the sky again, he takes another drag hoping the cig would numb his wild heart.

The silence that follows is awkward but he doesn't trust himself to talk just yet.

"I...” Enjolras starts but the word hangs in the air, tense and pleading.

Grantaire turns to look at the blonde and it's the first time he actually looks at him after the break up. Enjolras looks nothing like the person that ended their relationship, his shoulders slump down and his face is carefully control but the dark bags under his eyes and the tense lines around his lips give away the facade.

"I just wanted to wish good luck on your trip" he takes a deep breath and the determination that his voice had breaks with his next words, "I'm sorry, I know I ended things in a stupid way but..."

Grantaire can't bring himself to say a word as he sees Enjolras struggling to find the right words to say, this is not the collected leader he met long ago, the Enjolras in front of him seems scared and guilty. Grantaire wants to hug him, tell him that it’s okay, that they will be okay but the harsh reality is that Enjolras broke them up and he is leaving in a couple of hours to another country.

"Grantaire... I just want you to know that what we had made me the happiest and I really wish I'd have... no, this is not fair for you" Enjolras says running a hand through his hair.

"What?" Grantaire hears himself mumble, "tell me"

Enjolras shakes his head and pulls at his hair.

"I can't do this, I shouldn't" Enjolras mumbles back, his sad tired eyes meet Grantaire's, "I shouldn't..."

Grantaire shakes his head and throws the forgotten cigarette to the street, he steps closer to Enjolras and hand reaching but never touching.

"Tell me" he pleads softly, his eyes never leaving Enjolras'.

It feels like an eternity passes and somehow time seems to stop as their gazes lock, the sounds around them mute and the only thing he can hear is the intake of air fill Enjolras' lungs before he launches forward and kisses him. Grantaire's lips kiss back naturally and his arms circle around the blonde holding him closer. The kiss is not slow and loving, no, it’s hungry and desperate the way their lips collide and move in a frantic synch, their hands gripping tightly at everything they reach.

Grantaire finds himself trapped between the brick wall of the bar and Enjolras' body, its blissful the way the blonde's hands wander under his shirt setting his skin on fire, Grantaire groans into the kiss and pulls Enjolras closer. He seems to be mumbling something because he feels his mouth move as Enjolras lips explore the skin of his neck, he doesn’t know what he is saying but suddenly Enjolras tenses and a void opens in the gap between them as the blonde pulls away and looks into Grantaire's face with an shocked look.

"What?" he asks, his voice is small with the fear that Enjolras might bolt at any second.

"What did you say?"

"I... I said if you'd ask me to stay I’ll do it" Grantaire says tentatively, there's that familiar feeling of everything crumbling down around him as Enjolras takes a step back.

"Say something" Grantaire pleads when the silence is too much, his hands shake and his heart shrinks, "please"

Enjolras looks at him with a defeated look on his face, it doesn't suit him. His bright blue eyes shine with unshed tears and his hands tremble slightly.

"I shouldn't... this was a mistake" he says and Grantaire feels the familiar feeling of a blade stabbing his chest in repeat cutting him open again and again, a dark sound comes out of him startling Enjolras, Grantaire realizes he is laughing or the grim sounds resemble that.

"Fuck you, Enjolras" he says pushing the blonde out of his way, "fuck you and fuck whatever the hell we had, I wish you luck with your useless cause and don’t worry you won’t be able to make more mistakes or get distracted because I will be in fucking Italy, and you know what? Maybe I’ll fucking find me someone that doesn’t see me as a mistake, someone that won’t discard me as easily as you did"

Grantaire knows that he is crying but it’s not sadness anymore, its frustration and anger and all the emotions that had been rotting inside him since the break up.

“I can’t fucking believe I fool myself like that, I blindly trusted you and believed everything you said, every I love you, you sure were laughing at me all the time because I fell so easily” Grantaire screams feeding the rage inside him, “well the show is over now, I hope you enjoyed it… I knew you are capable of being terrible but this, this is fucking cruelty” 

Enjolras can’t bring himself to move or say anything as Grantaire walks away and the shadows of the night consume him. He stands there as everything around him distorts with his tears but he can't do anything now, can he? He was so close to blow everything off, he shouldn't have kissed Grantaire but its better this way, if Grantaire hates him and thinks he never gave a damn he will leave and forget about him, that's what he wanted, right? Then why the hell does it hurt so much? A chocked sound leaves him and he realizes that he is full on crying now, more sobs escape from him as he hugs his torso and starts to walk back to his apartment. There's nothing he can do to fix this without giving himself away, Grantaire will leave and even if he wanted it to be in friendly terms this is what he has now. He just needs to deal with it, right?

-

When Combeferre and Courfeyrac get home they find Enjolras in the livingroom, he is a mess but they were expecting that because Grantaire texted Eponine that he was heading home and of course they all thought it strange that he left without saying goodbye, now seeing the tears flooding Enjolras' eyes their suspects are clear.

Combeferre pinches his nose as he stands in front of Enjolras, he is trying to keep his cool but he doesn't understand even if he has an idea of what could be happening in Enjolras' head.

"What are you trying to do here? Enjolras I know you're hiding something and please don’t try to fool me with those stupid excuses because you're not fooling anyone" Combeferre says calmly, Courfeyrac looks like he wants to hug Enjolras but Combeferre shakes his head at him.

"I knew about the grant" Enjolras mumbles looking up at Combeferre, "I read the email before him and spent all day thinking about and I knew if he had to choose he would have stayed, I wanted him to stay because we started to live together and life seemed fucking perfect, but I couldn’t ask him that... I was scared that I was going to hold him back"

"Wait" Courfeyrac says moving to stand next to Combeferre, "you're telling us that you knew before Grantaire and broke up with him instead of actually talking about it with him?"

Enjolras feels small sitting on the couch with his two best friends towering over him, but he nods.

"That's so... egoistic from you Enjolras, I can't believe this" Courfeyrac says throwing his hands on the air, "you didn't gave him a choice, you just went ahead and broke his heart, kicked him out of here and practically out the country!"

"I did it for him!"

"You broke up your relationship with him so he could choose the damn grant, does that even make sense? Do you know that there is this thing called distant relationship? Maybe you should have known if instead of rushing this to an end you would have talked about it with him!"

"It's not that simple"

"You know I think you didn't do it for him" Combeferre says placing a hand on his boyfriend's arm to calm him down, "I think you realized how much you depended on him and you were scared you'd want to hold him here, so you did what you thought best and extracted yourself of the equation leaving Grantaire not option to chose you or staying here"

Enjolras looks up at him trying to hold his gaze but he can't and looks down at his hands, he can't tell Combeferre he is wrong because he can read him better than anyone, he can't stop the tears coming from his eyes or his sobs as he starts to cry again. Courfeyrac sighs and sits on the couch next to him and pulls the blonde into his arms.

"You have to talk to him, Enj" he says softly his hand runs up and down his back in a soothing motion, "it's not fair for him or you to keep this as it is now, you love him and he loves you, you have to make this right"

Enjolras pulls back and cleans his tears as best as he can. "He leaves tomorrow and he was pretty angry with me tonight" he mumbles sadly, "he won't want to talk with me and his flight is the first in the morning"

"Find him in the airport, it'd be romantic" Courfeyrac says smiling slightly, Combeferre chuckles, "go running up to him and confess you’re an idiot in love"

Enjolras looks at them and bites at his bottom lip, but what if he messes it all up again?

"Stop doubting it, you love him and he loves you, it'll turn out okay once you talk about it" Combeferre says placing his hand on Enjolras' shoulder.


	6. Coping.

Grantaire wakes up to his head pounding and a horrible taste on his mouth. Three months of getting his ass drunk to pass the lonely weekends have done nothing to his hangover, he was doing just fine back in France, but Italy has not been kind as far, maybe it's the lack of his three angels that have helped him through his recovery but to hell if he would call them and let them know that he threw all those months of their hard work to keep -him sober to waste.

Point is, he only does this on the weekends and that's something he is proud about. But then again he knows the girls would kill him if he returns to France because he fucked up his course for his drinking problem. No, he stays away from the bottles stashed on the cabinets during the weeks and works himself into exhaustion with the help of his so loved coffee. Yet when Fridays come around he starts the weekend with the strongest drink he can get into his hands.

All in all he can say he is dealing with this new stage of his life pretty well, he wants to believe isolation is the key. If he shuts down his phone completely, then he can pretend that his life back in France was a bad dream and he never got his heart broken or that that group of people that became his family was just a creation of his mind. Yeah, then again he never learnt healthy ways to deal with... well, life.

If he avoids staring at his reflection every morning then he can pretend he is fine, and that's okay but somehow that distorted reality reaches him in the lonely weekends and he ends up with his eyes swollen for the shed tears and surrounded by empty bottles. He is glad Eponine is not around or she would have his head, he knows that Musichetta would gladly join her in the massacre, and Cosette would be there to clean the mess they would make of him.

"Oh you gotta be kidding me" a voice startles him making him fall from the bed with a heavy thud.

"Such grace" she says and kicks his legs, "c'mon get up, you have a lot of explaining to do"

"What the hell are you doing here Eponine? How the hell did you get in?" Grantaire's eyes widen as he looks at her from the floor, "or am I hallucinating?"

She scoffs and kicks his legs again making him hiss and retrieve his legs from her reach.

"That felt quite real, yeah?" her arms cross in front of her chest as he speaks, "I had to spent all my saving to get on a damn plane and get here to find you like this, really R? You shut all of us out to rely on alcohol again, you could have reach to us-"

"Not now Ep, my head is killing me right now" Grantaire interrupts her as he stands and sits on the bed.

"I can cut it off with my bare hands if you want" she suggests sitting next to him, "R don't push me away, and don’t do this to us"

"I... I'm not... this is too much, the distance and the pain... fuck Ep, the professors here love my works and I should be happy but I fucking miss you all so much and I can't stop thinking about him" Grantaire mumbles with a sense of relief and doom.

Talking about it relieves the weight of the pain but addressing the matter with words makes it real and he has been running away from its reality for months, talking about its like crushing into a wall at full speed.

"I know this is a lot for you but you shouldn't isolate yourself when things get hard, R you can trust me and the girls, we'd do anything to help you because we love you so much and we understand that is part of who you are and we accept it and love you and care for you all the same, we know you can't erase this but if could make it a little better for you we'll do it" Eponine rests her head on Grantaire's shoulder and circles an arm around him, "I took a plane all the way here because you scared the shit out of us, we were so worried that something happened to you"

"I'm sorry" Grantaire says as tears start to fall from his eyes, "I'm so sorry"

"I know R, I know" she says pulling him into a hug, "it's okay, I'm here now, I've got you so let it out"

Grantaire clings into her as his sobs turn more violent, Eponine's perfume is comforting, something he recognizes, and something that grounds him. He relents in the feeling and lets it all go in his sobs, he doesn't know how much time passes but his head feels dizzy and his eyes hurt and Eponine is holding him against her chest reminding him of Cosette because Cosette is his mother figure, he realizes how much he misses the blonde girl, and Chetta, and all the Amis.

"You better?" Eponine asks after a while of silence.

He nods and reluctantly pulls away, he's sure he looks like a mess but Eponine cups his face and smiles softly at him after placing a kiss to his forehead.

"Hey cutie potato, go wash your adorable face or take a shower, I'll tidy this mess and then we'll go for a walk" she says patting his cheek lightly and getting up from the bed, "c'mon baby deer, we don't have all day"

Grantaire's lips turn up at the corners at her silly nicknames but he gets up and does as she orders.

-

"So are you going to tell me what was all that about?" Eponine asks once they're sitting in a bench somewhere after a long walk.

"I don't really know... I thought that it would have hurt more if I actually talk with you guys, the distance would be more obvious or something but then I thought about you going on with your lives without me in them, you'd forget about me or what we lived together, our whole friendship falling apart because I chose this" Grantaire says looking down at his feet, "I thought a lot about that... I made myself believed I was somehow a burden, even if I'm not I wanted to believe it because it's easier that way, feels like I'm doing the right thing for you lot... even if it hurts"

"Dude you're doing the right thing for yourself here" Eponine says punching his shoulder, "I don't care what your brain is creating in that little skull of yours but believe me the fact that you took this grant made us happy, yeah we all miss you but also we all know that you love art and you're here doing what you love, in nine months you'll come back and we all will welcome you with open arms, I swear to you none of us have forgotten you, NONE OF US"

Grantaire's gaze is still on the ground but he doesn't need to see Eponine's facial expressions to know who she is emphasizing it for, he knows exactly who she means but he doesn't want to ask. He was so angry with Enjolras when he left, he wants to be but honestly, he doesn’t have the strength to be mad at the blonde.

"I'll talk to them and you, I promise" he mumbles softly, "I don't want to ignore you anymore, I don't want you to forget about me"

Eponine scoffs but she grips his hand and squeezes it tightly. "Like that's even possible" she says and presses a soft kiss to his cheek.

-

Enjolras is sitting at his usual table, his mind focused on the preparations for their next rally. He is abruptly shaken up by a loud screech, he turns around to see Jehan jumping up and down around the table they were sharing with Feuilly and Bossuet, a chair is knocked down on the floor.

"He texted me! Oh dear, R answered my text" the ginger squeals happily holding their phone on the air above their head.

"What!" Feuilly exclaims ripping the phone from them and looking at the screen, his own phone made a bell sound and he digs into his pocket to look at it, "me too!"

Enjolras looks at them and sighs, he knew Grantaire was avoiding contact with his friends and even if he was worried he didn't let his mind take any route into it. Grantaire and his doings were not his business anymore, he made sure of that. Yet he can't help feeling relief embrace him with this news, if Grantaire reached out it means that he is doing better and he is glad for that at least.

He knows that he isn't fooling anybody, even if he made Combeferre and Courfeyrac promise to not say anything about the night of the farewell party, he knows far too well that the other Amis know he still cares for the artist.

After Grantaire left Enjolras started this organized schedule where he only spent his time in college work and the Amis activities, he wouldn't talk about his emotions or address anything related to Grantaire, everything was work. Bossuet joked once he went into a sort of “robot mode” and maybe he was right because Enjolras felt less human, then again it could be his lack of sleep and the looping cycle of repressing his emotions again and again and again. He wishes he was a robot, then maybe that way he would never felt thing for Grantaire, he would never fucked everything like he did but the reality was this and he faces it and deals with it as best as he can.

-

Grantaire is standing in the airport holding into Eponine’s hand tightly.

“Remember what you promised me, you’ll call and you’ll talk to as whenever you need to and you have to stop drowning yourself in alcohol every weekend, reach out to us, any of us” Eponine says looking into his eyes, “I really wish I could stay more R, but I’ll try to visit or maybe one of the other devils might come your way”

She smiles as Grantaire chuckles lightly.

“Tell them I miss them” the artist says pulling her into a hug.

“Yeah sure you sap, that’s why I’m here for” she says holding onto him, “and also remember, we expect you to ace this course and come back to us”

“I will try” Grantaire snorts but he feels light when he is with her and all the worries seem to blurry in the distance.

“You better” she says pulling away, “it’s just a few more months, you’ll do just fine my sweet pea”

“Your nicknames are horrible, how does Cosette deal with you?” 

“Because she loves me, and you do too” Eponine says and looks up at the big screen that signals her plane is starting to board, “listen, just don’t… don’t shut down, yeah? I love you”

“I love you too Ep, take care and I promise I won’t” he says pulling her in another quick hug.

He watches her go and long after her plane leaves he stays in the airport watching the people come and go, he doesn’t want to meet the loneliness of his apartment yet so he watches couples say goodbye and emotional family reunions, he watches the lonely passenger that just walk by on their own. He surrounds himself with these strangers hoping that the dreading feeling won’t reach him. He takes out his phone and texts Cosette telling her that Eponine already left, his eyes linger over the group chat that he hasn’t opened yet and wonders what he could find there. He blocks the screen and gets up, he closed those paths long ago and the only way he can head now is to that empty apartment with bottles of alcohol hidden in the cabinets, where the smell of paint is strong and his clothes are scattered everywhere, it isn’t home because home to him is someone he can’t reach now, but for now… it’ll just do.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly if you made all the way down here I'll send you a virtual hug, thanks for taking the time to read this!


End file.
